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Stacy Herbert: "Cow Theory" - Royal Bank of Scotland (Venture) Capitalism

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Socialism:
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

Communism:
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

Fascism:
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

Nazism:
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

Buereaucratism:
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away.

Traditional Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

Royal BS (Venture) Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. --

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION [JPMorgan]:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the (RMBS) cow has dropped dead. --

A GREEK CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows. --

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows. --

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide. --

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch. --

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them. --

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation. --

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship them. --

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad. --

AN IRAQI CORPORATION:
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy. --

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate
---with ASIC's Chief Herdsman for ignoring the imminent foot-and-mouth outbreak

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION: 
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks verrrrry attractive... mooooooooo00000
 
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Guest Sunday, 25 October 2020